May 1, 2021 marks the 20th anniversary of my mom’s death. My mom was young when she died – 69 years old. The year leading up to her death and the months following are a blur. Twenty years later, my heart still races when I think back to 2000-2001. Those were the most stressful years of my life. Yet, losing my mom taught me some important lessons.
As her cancer became terminal, I decided to make lasting memories. I set about taking pictures every time we got together. But, I’ve never looked at those pictures until now. It’s taken me 20 years to work up the courage to look at the pictures I took in the last few months of her life. This was back in the day before digital photography. I had the films developed, labelled the envelopes, and put them away. I could not bear to look at the images of my mom, with her face swollen from steroids as cancer invaded her brain. Even after all these years, it hurt to see the images.
My beautiful mom
My mom was an amazing woman. Strong, smart, driven, opinionated, loving, funny, and beautiful. She so desperately wanted to live and so she fought cancer with every fibre in her being, until she had nothing left. I brought her to Montreal where she participated in a clinical trial. The results were good, but sadly her liver function was badly affected. So, she went back home to do the traditional chemo.
I leaned on my friends who provided unwavering support. Whether it was picking up my kids, feeding them, listening to me as I rambled on, I knew that I had a rock-solid support network. I learned a lot about dying from my friends. Over the years, those lessons have served me well. Here are the main lessons that I learned after losing my beautiful mom.
Life goes on
In the hours following my mom’s death, I was shocked to see that life went on. Birds were chirping, people were driving, children were laughing, and nothing seemed different. That was lesson number one: life does indeed go on. That’s a good thing because it gives us something to focus on when the pain hits us hard. In those early days, I would focus my attention on my children’s antics. I found it soothing to see them play and enjoy the moment.
An attitude of gratitude
When your life is falling apart, it’s very hard to find gratitude. Not long after we were told that my mom’s cancer was incurable, I was beyond distraught. As I spoke with a dear friend, she told me something that I found profound: “you’re right. This is horrible news. But, at least you have a chance to say goodbye.” I’m so grateful to have had many opportunities to tell my mom how much I loved her, to thank her for being a wonderful mom and abuela.
The thing I’m most grateful for, however, was being with her when she died. It was a profound experience. She brought me into this world, and I held her hand as she left it. Witnessing her death took away my fear of dying. I saw death for what it is. The last act of living.
Nothing lasts forever
We humans are funny people. When life is going well, we tend to think that it’ll always go well. Likewise, when we’re going through some hard times, it’s easy to think that’s the way things will always be. But, that’s not true, is it? Nothing is permanent. Not the good times. Not the bad times. This lesson has served me well over the years. When things are going well, I’ve learned to take a step back and appreciate how blessed I am. When things are going poorly, I tell myself “this won’t last forever.”
Death should not be a taboo
Here’s the thing. We all know that no matter how rich, poor, successful, or strong, at the end of the day every single living organism dies. That includes each and every one of us. Western culture, however, has an aversion to talking about death. Youth rules in all matters. And that’s a shame. Because death can teach us so much. It can teach us:
- to appreciate the present moment,
- that there are moments of joy and beauty even when we’re hurting,
- to be patient. Life, and death, unfold on their own timeline.
- to surrender to that which we cannot control. We are accustomed to organizing our lives, right down to the smallest detail. Death provides a powerful reminder that there are many things that are outside of our control. And that’s ok.
Many people even seem afraid to use the word death. Right after my mom died, I would say that she “passed away.” A friend took me aside and kindly suggested that I use the word “death”. After all, “death” explained what happened to my mom. She was right.
Gone from my sight
As I started to grieve my mom, I learned another lesson. Grief if not linear. Some days I felt ok, other days I’d regress and become a mess of tears. As I struggled with the daily emotional rollercoaster, a friend gave me this beautiful poem. I found these words very comforting. Whenever I felt down, I’d read this message and feel better. I like to think that my mom’s spirit/soul is safe on the “other side” with my dad, and her other loved ones.
Links to other posts about my amazing mom:
Beautiful! Sending you hugs and love!
Thank you, my friend. Hugs and love to you too. ❤
Xoxox
Your thoughts are beautiful, poignant and profound, Sonia. No doubt you have helped others walk through their grief by reading your words. Love to you and your family.
I’m sure your mom would be incredibly proud of the woman you’ve become Sonia. I’m sad I never had the opportunity to know her but from your description, it sounds like you are very much like her! Be gentle with yourself today – hugs.
Another touching article, read this and it is so true.
When reading your blogs, my eyes fill up with Tears as going through “hell” at times with my own family.
Hugs my dear friend, thinking of you today especially.!
Wow, Sonia, your story was so sad, yet so heartwarming. Your pain has helped you become the person you are which is very similar to the Mom you describe. Losing a Mother is devastating but you have survived with wisdom and grace and in this way you are a role model to your own children.